REWRITE: We make learning project management easy. The call to action is extremely weak who wants to be 'expanded on'? Sounds like somebody sitting on your head. Comment: Way too technical and the language is stilted. Please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx and I will expand on what would be involved in the agreement. These courses provide between 38 and 25 PDUs towards your PMP certification requirement and I wished to speak to you regarding an opportunity for XYZ company and MindEdge to team up and offer these project management courses on a revenue share agreement. We are also a PMI REP and have developed self paced project management courses such as PMP Test Prep and PM for IT. Here are three that struck me as being particularly in need of work:ĮXAMPLE #1 ORIGINAL: MindEdge is a provider of online courses for academia, associations and corporations.
A couple of weeks ago, in the post ' Why Your Elevator Pitch Stinks' I promised to rewrite some elevator pitches sent by readers.
